Aug

Spurs Peter Crouch is an idiot and deserves mocked

Star’s infidelity inspires poem from TV funnyman

When talking about footballers, the comment that their brains are located in their feet tends to be a backhanded compliment. On recent form, you could probably argue that Peter Crouch’s brain lies elsewhere than his feet but they certainly don’t reside in his head.

It has to be said that Crouchy has been punching considerably above his weight with Abbey Clancy but it seems as though the English hit-man doesn’t have the brains to realise he was on to a good thing. Which has led to him carrying out a lot of begging and pleading and no doubt a whole lot of spending!

Anyways, TV funnyman Robert Florence has penned a poem about Crouch, which you can read below:

Hamburger and Steak

“What have you done?”
That is the cry you hear
She is beautiful
And he looks like a golf club with an overbite
Her name is Abbey
And just like Westminster Abbey
Is better
When an organ’s inside

That’s what they say
It’s not me being sexist
It’s them that say that
(The Scientologists)
Oh, Peter.
You look like a grief-stricken lamp-post
Why have hamburger
When you have steak at home?

Admittedly, the hamburger is younger
And has bigger tits.
That’s what they say
(The Scientologists)
And admittedly, a steak that lets you
do it up the arse
would be pretty rare.
Maybe medium-rare.

Fool, go to Abbey on your knees
Which would make you only 8 foot 2
And beg for her mercy
That Liverpudlian Angel
That goddess of the North
And ask her for forgiveness
And maybe ask her if she’s up for a threesome
Actually, no
Strike that
Just say sorry
In giraffe language

You look like a tapeworm in a suit
You look like a mobile phone mast with a toupee
You look like a steamrollered E.T.
I stood a bread bin on its side
And it looked like your face
So I shoved my boot into it
It made me feel a bit better
But all my bread is fucked
You are very selfish

“On ‘is ‘ead!”
They shout.
(The fans*)
Yes, ON ‘IS ‘EAD.
ON ‘IS OWN ‘EAD BE IT.
Get it?
THE END

*The Scientologists

We like that poem, it maybe says everything we think about what Crouchy has done….

If you want to read more of Robert’s work and see what he and his writing partner Iain Connell are up to, you can visit their website here!