SFA return for the bad boys in blue?

A New Year and the new man at the SFA is keen to get to work. Top of the agenda, at least for the media, is the future of the three Rangers players who fell out with the SFA hierarchy.

Barry Ferguson is now with Birmingham but he and goalkeeper Alan McGregor caused controversy with the Boozegate scandal and striker Kris Boyd decided that sitting on the bench wasn’t good enough for him.

All three had their troubles and concerns at Rangers but all three have went through a rehabilitation period. Both Ferguson and McGregor found themselves back in the Rangers first team before the end of the season as Rangers clinched the double.

Boyd is now the SPL top goal scorer and has even been selected to start in Champions League games and matches against Celtic.

The final step in the rehabilitation of these three players is to be welcomed back into the international fold and the media and Craig Levein seem keen to reunite the former Ibrox trio.

One man stands in their way though.

Malcolm Tucker has been working away behind the scenes at the SFA and he met with the three players to see if they were ready to return to the international scene.

MT:The Three Stooges eh, come away in. Barry, Boydy and Moe…err Alan…do you want a drink gentleman?
BF: Irn-Bru for me Malcolm
AM: White wine
KB: Err any crisps instead?

MT: Shut up the lot of you, can’t you tell when someone is joking? This is not a social visit, I don’t particularly care how you’re doing or what your missus has been up to, mind you Al, your missus puts herself out there in the paper a bit doesn’t she?
AM: Aye, so whit?

MT: Nothing, I just think it’s funny for a guy who was quite happy to stick two fingers up to the press that you and your “good lady” can’t keep away from them? You’re like the Jordan and that bloke from the Celebrity Big Brother house. You’ve probably been near Dwight Yorke once and your partner looks like a tranny, right, back to business.

So, Craig Levein wants you back in the team, Gordon Smith desperately wants you back in the team but me…well, I don’t know. How do we know it won’t happen again?

BF: I’m like really sorry for what I done an that Malcolm.
AM: Yeah, me as well Malcolm…it was never against the fans though, just against the press, I’ll take a lie detector and everything.

MT: Lie detector? Do you think this is the Jeremy Kyle Lafferty show here? I’m amazed you’ve not ended up on that show yet…mind you, when the newspaper stories dry up for your woman, she’ll be hauling you on there in no time. “He’s a love rat and I need publicity” special…get you sandwiched in between the Cheeky Girls and Calum Best
KB: Ohh, he’d love that man…dirty shagger!

MT: But boys, its just fucking idiocy isn’t it? Yes, we all know Pressley is a bearded fud, yes, Burley should never have been given the job in the first place but do you need to all look like dicks in standing up against them? For starters, get proper nicknames..Barry, Boydy, Greegsy….that’s almost advertising that you and your pals are morons.
KB: Hehe, Greegsy, he gets called Shagger an aw…don’t you Greegsy?

MT: Aye and we should be calling you Greggsy you fat waster. You’re the one with the least chance of getting back in. They two, just morons..hardly uncommon in football but you? You weren’t getting a game at club or country but you never sat greeting or chucking Rangers did you?
KB: I’ve knuckled down though….I’m the top SPL goalscorer of all time now.

MT: Aye, Brazil have asked us if you have a Rio de Janeiro granny so they can take you to the World Cup. Jesus Christ son…you were lucky to even be in the squad….do you know that Inverness Caledonian Thistle don’t play international games? Who are you going to score against? You can get a barrowload against the Faroes but you wouldn’t even get a touch against France or Italy.
KB: I’m improved my first touch

MT: You have…there has been improvement from you this season, I’m not denying that….but a kick in the stomach is hardly a big improvement on a boot in the balls…but it is improvement.

I’m not your boss Walter you know, I don’t have the media in my pocket and I’m putting my neck on the block if you guys come back. Except the funny thing is…its not just my neck on the line, it’ll be your balls.

Alan, that’s you nervous already but you other two, its bad news for you as well. Boydy, I don’t think you’ve got the cajones to move from Rangers and try to prove yourself elsewhere but we’ll find something to threaten you with.

KB: What do I want to move for? I love the Rangers, I’m close to my maws hoose, the Monster Munch delivery van man knows where I stay and on Sunday nights I get free entry into Club de Mar.

MT: Aye, its all relative in Ayrshire right enough eh…hows your cousin? How’s the girlfriend?
KB: She’s fine

MT: Excellent, happy families. Right, we’ve got a few things we need to you do. Firstly, you’ve to sign a contract saying we’ve had this meeting and then the minutes will be sent to your club and agents.
BF: But Malc….

MT: It’s okay Barry, just put a wee x on the dotted line, like the kiss you send your missus at the end of a text message.
Then, public apology from all three of you…to the Tartan Army.
BF: They fannies?

MT: Aye, them, play the game son. The media are lapping up the road to redemption story of the three of you but you will find that unlike the media, some Tartan Army fans aren’t Rangers fans, so we need to work harder, it’s called PR.
KB: Haw, remember that night out we had down the PR. The District, the Clachan, Doctors, the Viceroy…

MT: What are you talking about?
BF: He means the PR, the road, doon near Ibrox where all the best pubs are, its no for Greegsy though, he prefers Tiger Tiger or Karbon where you get all the posh bits of stuff you know?
MT: Hmmmmm, are you sure you don’t want to move to London Alan?
AM: The missus doesnae fancy it
MT: What one?
AM: The one in the papers, if she moves down there, the Daily Record, The Sun, and NOTW would only feature her every few weeks and she wouldn’t be able to handle the lack of attention.
MT: Okay…shut up that about that bint, people will think that’s all you have on your mind.

[Tumbleweed rolls by the three players]

MT: So gentleman, if I had my way, you’d all be dropped from the Kingston Bridge whilst strapped to the back of Derek Johnstone…but for the good of the nation, it is likely we will let you back into being available for the squad and it is now up to Craig Levein if he wants to pick you. Any messages you want me to pass onto Craig for you?
BF: Tell him he’s a fud.
AM: Aye, ask him if he can set me up with that Lorraine Kelly lassie
KB: Tell him if I don’t get first shot of the orange juice and Monster Munch at half-time that I’m no playing for him.

MT: Piss off the three of you before I tell Kenny McDowall and Andy Watson that you think their coaching methods are inferior to Steven Pressleys.

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